Day 101

I've learned to appreciate what its like to be a single parent, to be the only one your child can depend on for anything. I can't say I like it.

We're on day 3 of random crying in the Carter house after a 2 day break of crying regularly the week before. I'm not sure why Lucy cries so much or what to do to make it better. She just starts crying and won't stop. Sometimes I wonder if her heart aches like mine missing her Daddy. Sometimes I wonder if she's just doing it for attention. But what I do know that I'm having a tough time with it. I have never been able to handle constant crying from any child, even my own. Once you start to hit the 24 hour mark of regular intervals of crying, I start to get upset myself.

Case in point, Lucy's second night in this world. We were at the hospital and it was just the two of us. Lucy started crying randomly earlier in the day, but it wasn't so tough because Jon or my parents were there to help me out. But once night came and we were all alone, she really started to cry. After 4 hours of crying, I called in the nurse who told me there wasn't anything he could do. Lucy had to stay with me at all times regardless of the situation. I begged him for a break, even just for 30 minutes so I could try and get some rest. He told me no again and left the room (that was when I started to have serious loathing for the mother and baby nurses at Landstuhl). I was sure it was because Lucy was hungry since my milk hadn't fully come in, but I didn't feel there was any other option then nursing her (reason #2 I became resentful of the Landstuhl nurses who never once offered formula). Anyways, after 5+ hours of crying Lucy finally went to sleep. I tried to as well. But less then an hour later I was up again, trying to soothe her. I was starting to feel like a failure to her after only 48 hours. By the time Jon came to the hospital in the morning, I was in tears. He took her from me and told me to sleep. It was that moment that I became grateful that I wasn't going to have to do this alone. It also meant that no matter how much I felt I failed as a parent, there would always be someone to help me out that wasn't failing.

So now we're two years in and I feel like I'm back to that second night. Only this time, I don't have anyone else to back me up when I start to feel that dread of failure. When things are at their worst, I've been trying to ignore the screaming and crying. But as any parent knows, the sound doesn't go away. Its still there, eating away at that last nerve. I'm lucky to have friends who are willing to help me out. But that doesn't mean I don't feel like I'm the one doing something wrong all the times I don't have my friends here.

Its almost like an unspoken emotion among parents. No one wants to admit that they need help when they feel like pulling their hair out. Believe me, I've seen lots of moms go through deployments or just being single parents and rarely has anyone talked about the frustrations of dealing with issues on their own. I certainly didn't want to admit it and still have a tough time doing it. But there comes a time when you need to step back, take a break and accept the generous offerings of your friends and family. There is no fault in admitting you can't do it alone.

I'm hoping tomorrow brings an easier day. I'll get a break for a few hours in the morning and I'm using that time to do something for me.