Day 101

I've learned to appreciate what its like to be a single parent, to be the only one your child can depend on for anything. I can't say I like it.

We're on day 3 of random crying in the Carter house after a 2 day break of crying regularly the week before. I'm not sure why Lucy cries so much or what to do to make it better. She just starts crying and won't stop. Sometimes I wonder if her heart aches like mine missing her Daddy. Sometimes I wonder if she's just doing it for attention. But what I do know that I'm having a tough time with it. I have never been able to handle constant crying from any child, even my own. Once you start to hit the 24 hour mark of regular intervals of crying, I start to get upset myself.

Case in point, Lucy's second night in this world. We were at the hospital and it was just the two of us. Lucy started crying randomly earlier in the day, but it wasn't so tough because Jon or my parents were there to help me out. But once night came and we were all alone, she really started to cry. After 4 hours of crying, I called in the nurse who told me there wasn't anything he could do. Lucy had to stay with me at all times regardless of the situation. I begged him for a break, even just for 30 minutes so I could try and get some rest. He told me no again and left the room (that was when I started to have serious loathing for the mother and baby nurses at Landstuhl). I was sure it was because Lucy was hungry since my milk hadn't fully come in, but I didn't feel there was any other option then nursing her (reason #2 I became resentful of the Landstuhl nurses who never once offered formula). Anyways, after 5+ hours of crying Lucy finally went to sleep. I tried to as well. But less then an hour later I was up again, trying to soothe her. I was starting to feel like a failure to her after only 48 hours. By the time Jon came to the hospital in the morning, I was in tears. He took her from me and told me to sleep. It was that moment that I became grateful that I wasn't going to have to do this alone. It also meant that no matter how much I felt I failed as a parent, there would always be someone to help me out that wasn't failing.

So now we're two years in and I feel like I'm back to that second night. Only this time, I don't have anyone else to back me up when I start to feel that dread of failure. When things are at their worst, I've been trying to ignore the screaming and crying. But as any parent knows, the sound doesn't go away. Its still there, eating away at that last nerve. I'm lucky to have friends who are willing to help me out. But that doesn't mean I don't feel like I'm the one doing something wrong all the times I don't have my friends here.

Its almost like an unspoken emotion among parents. No one wants to admit that they need help when they feel like pulling their hair out. Believe me, I've seen lots of moms go through deployments or just being single parents and rarely has anyone talked about the frustrations of dealing with issues on their own. I certainly didn't want to admit it and still have a tough time doing it. But there comes a time when you need to step back, take a break and accept the generous offerings of your friends and family. There is no fault in admitting you can't do it alone.

I'm hoping tomorrow brings an easier day. I'll get a break for a few hours in the morning and I'm using that time to do something for me.

Day 97

**this is a picture of Lucy sleeping with her Daddy Doll**

Well, we're at the point of what should be the halfway mark for number of scheduled days for the deployment. As with every deployment, the number of days are never exact, just an estimate. But as each day passes I find myself grateful that I am one day closer to having Jon back at home.

I've had a few...how should I put this?...tough moments. I spent a few days on edge at the thought that I'll be lucky if he's home before Christmas. It affected everything, including Lucy. I was sick to my stomach, Lucy was cranky and I felt like crying every time I thought about him. After chatting about it with Jon and friends, I realized that I was being ridiculous. I have to remain positive about him coming home every moment. If I don't, I'm causing too much stress on myself and Lucy. It got pretty bad for a while, but it helped having people to talk to and who helped encourage me to remain optimistic. There have been many things in my life the last few years that I didn't think I could make it through and I always did. My husband was sweet enough to point out that I always think I can't do things, when in fact I can and do. Some days I don't know where I'd be without his unfailing encouragement.

Lucy has been handling the deployment well so far. She has her breakdowns and cries for Daddy. In fact, for 3 or 4 nights this week she was hysterical about bath time. She kicked and screamed until I finally got her to tell me last night why she didn't want to take one. Turns out she wanted Daddy to give her bath. While it broke my heart a little to have her tell me that she didn't want me, it brought tears to my eyes that she remembers that bath time was always Lucy and Daddy time. I assured her that when he got home he would give her lots of baths and would read her all her favorite books. It must have helped because tonight she didn't fuss about her bath.

She also started paying more attention to her "Daddy Doll". Its a gift from Jon that he had made before he left. Its a picture of Jon in his uniform in the form of a stuffed doll. Now before nap and bed time, we have to make sure we give Daddy a kiss and hug. The doll must always remain on Lucy's bed however. If we try putting it on the chair or it falls on the floor, its the end of the world. A little note for Daddy: we play kissy monster with it all the time. Daddy gets Mommy, Kelly, Lucy and bullie every night. It makes her giggle more then anything when Daddy gets Kelly :)

So I guess the deployment has affected each of us in a different way. I decided to stop looking at things as halfway there or count the days until he comes home. I just count each day as one day closer to see Jon and one day closer to my family reuniting (hopefully with one newcomer waiting until we are all here!).

Day 88

Today was one of those awesome days. It started with a late Dr appointment where I met yet another new Dr and found out that baby is doing wonderful. A little on the large side, but doing great. Luckily for me, the only person who knows the sex is the sonogram technician so I don't have to worry about someone slipping up and telling at another appointment. They are checking my platelets and iron levels for a few different reasons, but I'm confident that all is well.

Then Lucy and I had a lunch date. I'm doing my best to enjoy this alone time with her. At the beginning of the deployment it was so frustrating that she depended on me for everything, but then I started to realize that I'll never have this time with her again. My sister reminded me of that on one of those days when I was at my lowest and now I make sure to enjoy all these moments with her regardless of how frustrating or happy they may be. We will only be at this place in our lives once.

After naps for both of us (this baby is draining the energy out of me!) we went on a nice walk with Kelly. The weather was so beautiful and I knew we all needed to enjoy at least one more walk in the woods before I couldn't do it anymore (the stroller doesn't work well on hikes-haha). It was so quiet today, all I heard were the birds and the soft rustle of leaves. It was so calming and refreshing. I walked slowly and took it all in wishing Jon was here to enjoy the walk with us.

Before the day was through, we had a friend visit at the last minute to mow the lawn. One more thing I am so grateful for this summer. Its amazing how much people will help you out in times of need. Sometimes its not even a person you know well, but knows you are in a tough spot. Any time someone comes over to mow the ski slope that we call a backyard, I am thankful. I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be and yet the same people keep coming back to help. Today our friend got it done in 30 minutes-I'm pretty sure that's a record for this yard!

All in all in was great day. If I've learned anything in the last three months, its that you need to remember to be appreciative of the little things in life. There is nothing like a good friend to lean on in your time of need. I am so grateful for each and every one of them.

Day 84

Last night was one of the worst nights of sleep I've had in a while.

I was exhausted and headed to bed at 10pm. I started falling asleep 5 minutes after reading so I turned out the lights and curled up with Kelly, our bulldog. It was a super humid night so I had windows open all over the house and a fan going in my room. Forty minutes later, I wake up to this insane howling sound. Kelly is growling and the sky is lighting up like nothing I've ever seen. It was like there were flashbulbs going off outside my window. The next thing I hear is my patio furniture (on the upstairs deck) start flying across the patio. I have a recycling trash can outside so I open the door to bring it in. It was already tipped over and as I was picking up the pieces, the rain started. The lightening was pretty intense, so I quickly grabbed the trash can pieces and started to rush back in the house only to be blown forward by a huge gust of wind.

I was freaked out. I didn't think Germany ever got tornadoes, but it sure felt like one was coming. Suddenly the wind was whipping all around me so fast it hurt (in a matter of milliseconds) and I rushed into the house. It was at that time I heard my car alarm going off. I rushed to find my keys and hoped that nothing landed on the car causing it to go off (its really not that sensitive). I tried opening the front door to go out and turn off the alarm, but then I heard banging on the door. Not like someone was trying to get in, but more like someone was shooting rocks at it. I peeked out the kitchen window and saw the street and my lawn were covered in hail. It was pelting the door so hard I was afraid I would get hurt if I opened it. I managed to get the car alarm off from inside the house and rushed downstairs.

Kelly was panicking along with me, but more because she was scared I think. She followed me around the house and ran downstairs before I did. Lucy was still sleeping when the thunder started. It seriously sounded like it was in my house. Everything was shaking with every pounding. I had to close the rolladens (metal/plastic covers for the windows/doors) in the basement just in case my downstairs lawn furniture was flying around. As I was closing it two things happened. One, I realized 2 of my outdoor chairs were missing. Two, the wind was so forceful it was trying to blow open the door to my outside patio. I had to hold it closed with one hand and my foot while I rolled down the rolladen. It was scary. I couldn't even see 4 feet in front of me the wind, rain and hail were so bad.

We lost power just minutes after that and I sat downstairs with a candle waiting for the storm to be over. Lucy, of course, was still sleeping despite the amount of noise in the house.

Ten minutes later the wind calmed down, five minutes after that the hail stopped. It was still raining quite a bit and there was still lots of lightening, but it appeared safe. I opened the rolladens and looked outside to see my yard looked like it was covered in snow. The lawn furniture was still missing, but it was too dark to really look for it.

I headed upstairs and hoped that car was ok. I could see the lights flashing from the alarm on the car again and opened the door to turn it off. The front yard was the same as the back, only it was flooded with water all the way across the street. The power came back on and I was able to go out and examine the car. I couldn't see if anything significant fell on it, but I didn't see any damage. I went back inside and tried to fall asleep. I was woken up 3 more times by storms. At least the house cooled off! It was finally nice enough to sleep at night!

The storm really had me missing Jon. I know it sounds silly, but I was terrified. All I kept thinking about was what if the windows break? What if something falls on the house? What if something happens to Lucy, Kelly and I? How will Jon find out?

It does turn out that Germany gets tornadoes. In fact, there are studies that Europe has more tornadoes then the US, they just aren't nearly as powerful. Because of the European landscape, tornadoes don't have a lot of area to build up strength. But they do exist here. There was even one in Kaiserslautern in the last 5 years. The reason you don't hear about them is because they aren't very powerful (no one has seen one over an F3 in all of Europe) so the damage isn't as bad and sometimes they only touch down for seconds and people don't see them. I also learned that Europe doesn't have a Dopplar system. In the US, they use this to predict and warn people of the coming weather and possible tornadoes. Its a little scary to think about, but at least I know the chances of it being "bad" are slim.

It sounds like not everyone in the KMC (Kaiserslautern Military Community) had it as bad as I did, but there are plenty that did. Thank goodness we're all ok and no one seems to have suffered any significant damage other then flooding. I was able to find all of our lawn furniture. The two missing chairs were in the yard, one all the way down at the bottom of our hill. I lost a few bubble toys of Lucys, but nothing that isn't easily replaced. Now can Mother Nature please stop with the storms? I think I've had my fill for the summer.

day 83

I went in for our 20 week ultrasound yesterday. It was different this time because I didn't have Jon with me. I had a great friend there for support, but I know how exciting it was for Jon when we saw Lucy squirming around, it was like it made it real for him. But I tried my best to hold back the tears and watch my little one move around on the screen.

This baby is much more active at night. Therefore it wasn't moving as much during the ultrasound. He/she spent most of the time sleeping and randomly kicking the tech's scanner. But I got some great profile shots and even saw little feet and a glimpse of a hand. It was a moving experience to say the least. I can't wait to meet the little bugger now!

Lucy is doing fantastic with the potty training. We attempted our first outing without pull-ups yesterday morning and it went GREAT! She started telling me when she has to potty and even poop. We rush to the bathroom and she always makes it. We've had a few accidents (one, of course, on my handmade rug. Something I have to have professionally cleaned) but only a few. Its awesome not having to change diapers anymore and the trash has cut down significantly. I love it! I'm so glad we stuck with it.

Well, that's about it for now. We're almost halfway through the deployment-I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 79

Today was the 5th day of potty training. It was even better then yesterday. For one, we have had no accidents. Two, she managed to go to the bathroom every time we tried. It wasn't always a lot, but it was something. She even tried to go poop on the potty!

The weird thing is that I feel like I accomplished something too. Not only am I proud of Lucy, I'm proud of me. For some reason, this feels like one big milestone of being a parent. I learned what to expect and how I need to handle myself in situations when her stubborn attitude pushes me to the limit.

The thing I like best about this though is that she feels proud of herself. She smiles every time she goes potty and claps with more excitement then I've ever seen come out of her. You can see on her face that she feels like a big girl and just like her little friend Rori. Thanks to Rori, Lucy knew what a potty was and that big girls use it instead of diapers. Rori is older and Lucy thinks she is the most fascinating person on earth. Now Lucy thinks of herself as a big girl too and you can see on her face.

So if you want to know what I think you can do, here you go:

You need to have a large amount of these things on hand:
*Paper towels (to clean up accidents)
*Disinfectant (to clean up accidents)
*Treats (individual bags of treat work good in the beginning, smaller treats-like individually packed Reese peanut butter cups-work best once they "get" it)
*Stickers (LOTS of them-their favorite characters work best)
*A cool handmade chart to put the stickers on
*Cleaner for the potty chair (to sanitize)
*wipes for poop accidents
*floor cleaner to clean the floor at the end of the day
*easy to make meals (if you are alone) like pizza, reheated leftovers, anything that only keeps you away for 5 minutes or less
*Juice and lots of it
*loads of underwear

My own tips:
*don't let them drink a lot 2 hours before bed. Lucy still has milk with dinner, but the dry diaper scenario won't happen if they have a huge glass of water 5 minutes before going to sleep.
*start by trying to put your kid on the potty every hour for a few days before you take away the diapers. Just so they get used to the potty and the timing. BE CONSISTENT! Even you are shopping, stop at the store bathroom. Make looking for a bathroom a priority when you get places.
*Find a book you like and you know your child will like to hear about potty training
*have steps or potties in every bathroom of your house. You never know when you will have to run to the potty and running upstairs to the main bathroom isn't always an option.
*Spend at least 3 days solely focused on potty training. That means you probably can't leave the house and your housework will have to wait (unless its laundry-haha)
*Take away all diapers- ALL OF THEM! Keep them out of sight. I'm keeping a package of pull ups on hand for a while, but I don't plan to use them.
*roll up the carpets
*find a waterproof mattress pad for the couch if you are concerned about cleaning it
*make sure you are mentally ready for all the challenges that your kid will throw at you. And they will find ways you never dreamed of to drive you crazy.
*Talk to other parents. Every one does potty training different. No kid is the alike and the way they learn to potty train is never the same way.
*wait until your little one has had dry diapers after naps and in the morning consistently (I waited until Lucy's were for at least 3 weeks straight)
*most importantly-RELAX! There are going to be a lot of challenges, but in the end you'll both be super proud of yourselves!

I'm no expert on this whole thing. But I am one of the first people in my group of friends to do it. Lots of people ask me how I'm doing it and I'll tell them all to read this blog since I talked about it most here. I still think we have a ways to go, but the fact that she's going on the potty and hasn't had an accident makes me think I'm over 75% of the way there. Whew...that is a HUGE relief. Maybe I can put the diaper bag away for a while :)

Day 78

Day 4 of Potty Training....

WENT FABULOUS! I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch, but I think we are basically potty trained over here!

The day started off with a battle-yes, a battle. Lucy refused to go potty on the bathroom potty and after 45 minutes of trying to get her to go, I told I was all done. Either she went potty or she was sitting in wet pants all morning. I wasn't going to deal with this stubborn attitude. After 5 minutes of crying (because I left the bathroom to calm myself down) I came back and asked if her she wanted to try again or not. Surprisingly, she said "Twyy" so we tried one more time and she went!

The day only got better with a pee and poop in a public restroom and only TWO ACCIDENTS out of 9 potties! The two accidents happened late in the day after she had been outside playing in the sun and getting fresh air. I was told by another experienced mom that it was very common after such a long day for them to have a few accidents.

I honestly can't believe my strategies worked. I think by focusing solely on her potty training for 3 days, it helped. I don't expect that we're fully potty trained for a few more days, but I think we are right there. I really can't believe we both made it through this. I am so proud of my little girl!

Day 77

Today was day 3 of potty training.

I realized this morning that I can't turn back now. I was starting to get frustrated and the temptation of diapers was lingering in the back of my mind. I made the decision last night to go cold turkey with diapers. When I woke up this morning, I started to wonder if that was such a good idea. But my little girl surprised me-she could've cared less that I took away her diapers. And we were successful in going potty on the potty chair 3 times!!!!! It seems like after each potty she's starting to understand more and more what we are trying to do.

But we did have our challenges. For instance, pooping. Usually with poop comes pee and well, despite her effort to stop the pee, she couldn't. I know that pooping on the potty is going to take time. She was pretty upset about the whole ordeal and I had to help make her feel better by telling her that it was an accident.

There were 3 other accidents today. All of which included her telling me, "mommy, Elmo potty!!" as it was happening. One time she even tried to make it to the potty. I learned today that you can't really leave your child alone for even 10 minutes when potty training. You kind of need to be right there at all times which is tough for me. Right now I'm alone and there are things that need to be done around the house, like make lunch or dinner for instance. The times I have caught her in the middle of peeing, we run to the bathroom and sit on the potty-even if she thinks she's all done.

Another thing I learned was to hold back my excitement until after she finished going potty. If I start clapping or saying "Look! You're doing it!" she stops instantly and says "all done!" when she isn't. Just one of those things you pick up as you go along.

So we're basically 50/50 right now. I don't count the poop incident as an accident because that's a tough one to learn. I do highly recommend the removal of all diapers. I still have pull ups on hand-just in case. But I don't plan to use them as of now.

My favorite moment of the day, and believe me there weren't many, was after her third potty. She wanted to watch the DVD of Jon reading books to her. As soon as he started talking, she exclaimed (literally) "DADDY! Woocy sticker, tweat! Pee pee Elmo Potty!!!" She was so excited to tell him and it broke my heart when she realized it wasn't the web cam and he wouldn't respond with more then, "Is Spot under the stairs?" But she still kept reading along with him and pointing to her sticker, proudly announcing, "sticker, pee pee!" to him every few minutes. It was the sweetest moment of my day

Day 76

Day 2 of serious potty training....

Today was basically the same as yesterday with just as much pee and a lot less poop. I managed to have patience with every accident and every stubborn moment my little angel gave me. I have a strong belief that by the end of the weekend, she will finally "get it". I have no idea where she gets her stubborn attitude from, but I'm able to be just as hard headed and was able to get her to try even when she didn't want to. I know she can do it, she's just trying to have a little bit of control over me and the situation. Once she realizes how nice it is to not have a wet diaper, she'll relinquish that control. I'm sure of it!

On a very excited note, I realized I still have 130-some odd days left in the pregnancy. Since Jon only has 103 (technically speaking) that's a whole month he has to get back here past his scheduled return date (long story short-we don't know when he's coming back. It all depends on his location and when his replacement arrives). I feel better realizing we have that extra month. Positive thoughts all the way :)

Day 75

We're back to Potty Training again. Turns out despite my belief that Lucy was ready to learn how to use the potty, I was not ready to teach her. My frustration levels were at an ultimate high and I needed time to contemplate how I could personally deal with accidents, stubbornness and tears. In the end, it not only made this a little more difficult for me, but definitely more difficult for Lucy.

Because I wasn't consistent, she keeps thinking that she can tell me "No Elmo Potty" (meaning, no I will not sit on the Elmo potty thank you very much!) and I'll let her get away with it. Not so this week....

We've started seriously potty training again and this time I'm sticking with it. She had dry diapers in the morning for over 3 weeks. I knew it was time and had to get myself mentally prepared. People can tell you what to do, how to do it and when, but ultimately what I've learned is that as a parent YOU need to be mentally and physically prepared. You can read books and ask advice, but every person is different (as is every kid). I think you need to come up with a plan for you and your child that works for both of you. We are doing a combination of the 3 day potty training and my own ideas. This includes lots of juice, stickers and planned potty breaks.

We started last week by at least sitting on the potty every single hour, regardless of the location. If I was at the store, we stopped everything to try. If we were on a walk, I would make sure we were home at the exact time we've been practicing. It was tough because my schedule was interrupted constantly. I could be in the middle of chopping up vegetables and it was time to take her to the potty where we would sit for 1, 5 or even 10 minutes. There was even a day we sat on the potty for a whole hour...but more about that later.

So far this has helped-not worked, helped. She started telling me yesterday when she needed a diaper or pull up change. I knew that it was coming-the dreaded 3 days of having her wear underwear. So this morning we started. We had a few errands to run and from the moment she woke up we talked about how after the commissary, we were going to start wearing big girl underwear! She was getting very excited and talked about wearing her new Tinkerbell undies. I don't think I could have made it any more cool.

When we got home, the first thing we did was sit on the potty chair and try to go. How do I know she has the control to go? For one, she has dry diapers in the morning-consistently. Two, the morning of our one hour sitting session, she lost control of her overly full bladder for a second and started to go pee. As soon as I started to cheer she stopped and begged for a pull up. That is how I knew she had the ability to control it.

So we've had 2 accidents-no big deal. Especially since she was running for the potty both times. We are stocked up on juice and treats, just waiting for that special moment when we can both scream "LUCY DID IT!!!!" So everyone, wish me luck. This is going to be a long week :)