Day 69

Today Lucy and I played a game where she would point at things and ask what they were. Clock, table, fireplace, dog, kitchen....then it moved on to body parts: elbow, finger, cheek, butt...I think you can guess where I'm going. So we got her private area and I stumbled. Parenting books always tell you to not make up funny names for body parts. Somehow it starts to confuse them when it comes to actually learning their names. While I've taught her what a "boob" is, I was not ready to hear "vagina" come out of my little girls mouth.

So as I stumble over my words, Lucy gets impatient and keeps saying "That? THAT?? Mommy??? Butt?" I don't want her to get more confused and I tell her, in the quietest voice I've ever had, "vagina". She gets this humongous smile on her face, like she just found out the most fascinating information in the world. She can tell I didn't want to say it so what does my angelic little two year old do? You guessed it, she starts saying "GINA! GINA! GINA!" over and over again. I cringed a little inside, but knew it was because she was proud she learned a new body part name. I couldn't fault her for that. So I smiled and said, "Yes baby. Now what is that?" I pointed to her feet only to have her look at me and answer, "Gina?"

Day 67

I had a good conversation with some of my girlfriends today about OPSEC (Operational Security for those non-military readers). One of the things they constantly remind us of in the military is not to discuss information regarding deployments, travel dates, locations of travel, exercises, etc because you never know who is listening or who is asking the questions. The person asking questions about where your husband is and why might be the reason that your husbands tasking (job) is jeopardized. Basically, the military reminds us to only tell people the necessary information, which might be nothing.

It was interesting to hear how much information we end up having to keep from our families, friends and the like. We've even had to keep information from each other (my girlfriends and I). There once was a time I felt like I couldn't tell people anything because I was afraid of what might happen if I accidentally slipped and told my parents about an exercise on base (again, for all you non-military, exercises are practice scenarios of threatening situations). After a few years of this, you just forget that its an issue. You become so accustomed to not talking about it, that you forget it even exists.

The conversation made me start to think about what things would be like if Jon couldn't tell me where he was going for this deployment. I have friends who never know where their husbands are until the day they return. "What if that was me?" was all that ran through my mind.

I'm lucky enough to know where Jon is. There is a little stress while we wait for him to head to his final duty station, but its better then not knowing that was the case. Its still less stressful then wondering where he is and if he's ok every minute we are apart. Deployments are hard no matter what, but adding that stress would make things a whole different ball game.

I wonder how much of an impact this withholding information thing will be on my life. After 5 years of not telling people things, it makes me wonder if I'll be able to change it. I'm already accustomed to not knowing my husbands flight information on a regular basis or where exactly he is sometimes. For all I know, he's in a totally different place then what he tells me now. I can't begin to imagine the stress that would put on me if I was in his shoes. Keeping secrets from your family is never easy, especially if you are placing yourself in danger. But its the way of the military. Its the way of our life. A lot of people don't understand it or think that its bad way to establish a healthy marriage and family. But for military families, its what we do. As married couples, we learn a different way to bond with our spouses. We know that we might not always come first, but we are never far from their thoughts. We learn to understand that sometimes those secrets are to protect us as well.

It was nice to hear from other spouses that I'm not the only one who feels left out of the loop sometimes or has a hard time not talking about certain things. Its just one more of those things that makes military spouses have that special bond-one that is difficult to explain, but that you couldn't survive this life without. Thanks ladies!

**the pic is from last fall when Jon had to get all dressed up for a dinner. Its not often that Lucy gets to see him all spiffed up :)

Day 62

A letter to my daughter:

Dear Lucy Lu,

Oh my little angel how much you have changed in the last two years. Every day I am amazed by you. Your smiles in the morning brighten every day and help me begin them on a happier note just because I get to spend it with you.

I realized today just how fast you are growing up. It feels like only yesterday I was holding you in my arms, infatuated with your tiny fingers, little bow lips and soft baby smell. Now when I hold you in my arms you squirm to get down, saying "Mommy WALK!" in your little toddler voice. The only time you like to "caw-del" (cuddle) with me is in the mornings after breakfast and before bed when we read your books. We read the same three books every night: Five little monkeys play hide and seek, Curious George and Princess Baby. You've started reading them along with me...its so beautiful and I wish Daddy could hear you.

Every night after books is my favorite time with you. We talk about your day and you tell me your favorite part. It usually involves playing with a friend or talking to Daddy on the "puter". I can't believe how well you remember things now. Then we talk about what we might do tomorrow. Almost every night you ask me if we are going to play with friends tomorrow. Its so sweet how much you love them all.

Before I leave the room every night, you give me a kiss and little squeeze around the neck. Then you roll over and kiss your Daddy pillow saying "Dada! MUAHHHH!" I always leave your room with a smile....

Baby girl, I love you so very, very much.

I love you more then all the flowers in the world....

~Mommy

day 57

I'm tired. So, so tired. I don't know how single parents do this every day, for years.

I'm tired of cleaning the kitchen/bathrooms/living room/bedrooms, vacuuming up dog hair, dusting off dog hair, doing the laundry, walking the dog, cleaning the dog, playing pretend with my daughter, doing the yard work I can, dealing with the car, dealing with a toddler who throws tantrums like I've never seen before, trying to potty train, trying to find time to exercise, figure out breakfast/lunch/dinner every day, buy groceries for above meals, find Lucy a school, showing a strong face for my daughter, grow a baby and maintain my own health/sanity. It doesn't sound like a lot, but when you have to cram the hard stuff (like cleaning & grocery shopping) in when your toddler needs a nap, it gets overwhelming. The worst part is, I could still have six months of this.

Today is just not a good day.....

Day 54

Wow-has it already been 54 days? Its still not halfway, but man does it feel good to type 54 instead of 24.

I just got back from a wonderful vacation to visit my parents and my sister's family in Arizona. It was long, but in a way not long enough. I could have used a few more days in the sunshine and with family before coming back to Germany. Although I think my husband will be glad to have our finances back on track now that we're home-haha.

I absolutely love it in Arizona. There's something about the mountains, the cactus and quietness of the area that calms me. We spent a lot of time seeing different things in the area-zoos, Old Tucson Studios, Tubac (arty town) and a walking/tram riding trip to Sabino Canyon to name a few.

My favorite thing to do there was visit the zoo. I LOVE that it was outside and they covered the paths with trees and different foliage. It was fun seeing the animals with Lucy. She's been to the zoo here in Germany, but its not quite the same. Instead of goats and lamas, we saw rhinos, giraffes, ant-eaters and monkeys to name a few. Lucy was facinated by the monkeys. When we first got there, one of the monkey's was talking up a storm much to Lucy and my nephew Carter's delight. He would swing around his home and hang on the fencing, chattering away. It was hard to tear Lucy away from him. She might have sat there all day if I hadn't distracted her with thoughts of the different animals she would see. I highly recommend the Reid Park Zoo.

As for Tucson itself, I love it. Its a pain to get around if you live outside the city, there are really only 2 highways in the area. You take regular street roads around town and the max speed limit on most of them was around 50mph on a good day. It got frustrating when it took 45 minutes to get to a store or sight, but worth it when you realize what a beautiful area you are driving in.

One of the neat things about Tucson is that there is art EVERYWHERE. You have to look for it sometimes, but you can't miss the beautifully decorated bridges or gardens. The park system is nice too. While I would've liked for more parks to be shaded, we found a few that Lucy loved! And the walking paths at the parks, beautiful and well maintained. Dogs are welcome at every park we were at except for Sabino Canyon (which was understandable being there was a threat of mountain lions and other natural wildlife).

All in all it was a wonderful trip. I was able to spend some quality time with my sister and her family before things get crazy with our second babies. I got some much needed Mom and Dad time to remind me how important they are to me (I've never forgotten, its just nice to be reminded how lucky I am). Lucy got to know her cousin and even taught him how to walk. Really, he was probably ready anyways, but trying to keep up with his older cousin pushed him to try harder-therefore I'll let Lucy take credit for it!

The trip was a great break in the deployment. I understand now why people do it. I wish it could have been a little longer and I'm sure everyone wishes slightly cheaper (the baby growing inside me NEEDED all those burritos, ice cream cones and Starbucks-thanks for stopping with me every time guys). It was well worth it and I hope that someday I'll get to do the same thing with both babies (plus a husband so I can show him the wonders of Arizona).

Thank you to my wonderful husband for the awesome gift. I'm grateful I was able to go and spend some much needed time with my family.

Thank you to my parents for letting us invade your house with noise, toys and chaos. (and for carting me around town to get some maternity clothes and food!)

Thank you to my sister and her husband for coming to visit. I feel so lucky that I was able to spend so much one on one time with "mister, mister" and to share a few pregnancy laughs with you. I can't believe the next time we see each other, we'll have more babies to share!!!