Day who cares anymore?

The light at the end of the tunnel just got pushed further away.

So we found out Jon is definitely headed to his final duty station- 25 days before his 6 month tour was supposed to end. Now we have no idea when he'll be home. I spent the last 12 hours upset about it and hating deployments/all things military. But as the night wore on I came to the realization this is the life we chose.

I think the part that I'm so angry about isn't that he won't be here for the birth or that he won't get to take Lucy to her first day of school. I'm angry because I saw an end in sight. Raising a 2 year old on your own every day is exhausting. Top that with a pregnancy and its doubly tiring. I kept telling myself "only a few more weeks" when things got tough the last few days. Now I have no idea when he'll be here to help out. I don't even know if he'll be back in time for Christmas.

I want to feel bad for the person who he's replacing. She's a mom too and has been away from her little one for a year. But I don't. Its selfish, but I don't care that she's missed birthdays and holidays. I don't want my husband to miss 3 birthdays, our 5 yr anniversary, the birth of our child, Thanksgiving and Christmas. We didn't expect the deployment to last this long which is why I'm having a tough time with it.

I'm fortunate enough to have one of my parents come out here to help out in a few weeks. Ideally its not the situation I want. If they come out here now, they won't be able to come visit in the Spring when everything is beautiful and I'll be able to actually go places. I'm still grateful that I have someone coming because I honestly don't know if I could handle all of this on my own right now. I have a great network of friends, but having someone here in the house is going to make a huge difference in my day to day life.

So for the next few days I'm going to do my best to be positive. There's a huge mix of emotions going on inside me right now, the largest of which is anger. I'm sure that will change to a new emotion in the next day or so, but for now I feel the need to scream, cry and punch a pillow.