Sometimes one of hardest things about being pregnant is what you see when you look in the mirror. It doesn't matter if this person tells you how good you look or how that person tells you how you wouldn't look pregnant if it wasn't for that giant basketball you have for tummy. Its all in how you perceive what you look like.
Today I got out of the shower and caught a brief glimpse of myself. It shocked me. The leg muscles I used to be proud of were no longer there. The strong arms that got me compliments turning into masses of flab. And worst of all, the abdominal muscles that I worked on for 2 years were officially gone. Granted, I wasn't a bikini model by any means, but I was finally starting to feel good about how I looked before I became pregnant.
Over the last few months, I've been obsessing over the weight I gain. Every time I step on the scale I think about how much weight I'm going to have to lose after this baby comes. It drives my family crazy. I'm constantly talking about how nervous I am that I won't lose the weight. Has it stopped me from picking up a bag of Honey Mustard and Onion pretzels? No. And that seems to be my problem.
When I'm alone I indulge. I eat the things I probably should avoid, but its as if I have no willpower when there's no one around to see me. The not-so-great-for-you snack food wouldn't be an issue if I was exercising. But at the beginning of my pregnancy I would get so sick when my heart rate increased that I couldn't do anything at all. I went from 1 hour of cardio and yoga three times a week plus walking the dog every day with a toddler on my back to nada. Nothing. Zilch.
When the morning sickness finally went away, I had a hard time getting back into the flow. I found excuses all the time to not walk the dog. I found a reason not to go to the gym on base. After a few months when I finally decided it was time to get off my ass, I found out I couldn't exercise the way I wanted. Unfortunately for me, my body started saying "if you want to have an uncomplicated pregnancy, you need to stop all this stressful activity NOW".
I found that I am able to walk, even the tough incline walks in my neighborhood that require every ounce of energy I have some days. But its not enough. I feel better about myself on the days when I do walk, but I hate that I can't do the things I was able to do when I was pregnant with Lucy. I can't walk for an hour and not feel like my legs are going to fall off anymore. And it sucks. It really, really, REALLY sucks.
So it was inevitable that my body would start showing the effects of my eating and lack of exercise. Am I at an unhealthy weight? No. My midwife told me she's not concerned about my weight at all, that I'm healthy and I still can gain 13lbs before she'll be concerned. But it didn't make me feel better. The only thing that would make me feel a little better is having my husband tell me I'm beautiful despite my growing assets. And sadly, he's not here to do that.
I'm sure there are women out there who have high self esteem and could care less what they look like while they are pregnant. They don't see the dimpled thighs or chunky hips. Those are the same women who embrace being pregnant. I was that woman the first time. But with this pregnancy, I can't seem to find the beauty in the ways my body is changing. I can't enjoy the pregnancy the way I did with Lucy.
The more I think about it, the more I believe its because I don't have anyone to share it with. Sure I have friends who want to feel the baby moving and Lucy loves to kiss the baby and play games. But what I really want is to have Daddy here to see his face light up when the baby kicks. I want someone to be excited with me every time I hear that heartbeat pounding away. It really stinks to do this alone. I know my husband was happy that he got to miss all the hormone induced mood swings, but I wonder sometimes if he forgot about how all that other stuff outweighs my random bouts of crying and frustration.
So for now, I've moved the full length mirror to a safer location where I'm less likely to throw something at it. The next step is finding the joy and beauty in whats happening to me. This is the last time I'll be pregnant so I need to learn to savor every minute. But trust me...its going to take a little more time for that.
No comments:
Post a Comment