Day 101

I've learned to appreciate what its like to be a single parent, to be the only one your child can depend on for anything. I can't say I like it.

We're on day 3 of random crying in the Carter house after a 2 day break of crying regularly the week before. I'm not sure why Lucy cries so much or what to do to make it better. She just starts crying and won't stop. Sometimes I wonder if her heart aches like mine missing her Daddy. Sometimes I wonder if she's just doing it for attention. But what I do know that I'm having a tough time with it. I have never been able to handle constant crying from any child, even my own. Once you start to hit the 24 hour mark of regular intervals of crying, I start to get upset myself.

Case in point, Lucy's second night in this world. We were at the hospital and it was just the two of us. Lucy started crying randomly earlier in the day, but it wasn't so tough because Jon or my parents were there to help me out. But once night came and we were all alone, she really started to cry. After 4 hours of crying, I called in the nurse who told me there wasn't anything he could do. Lucy had to stay with me at all times regardless of the situation. I begged him for a break, even just for 30 minutes so I could try and get some rest. He told me no again and left the room (that was when I started to have serious loathing for the mother and baby nurses at Landstuhl). I was sure it was because Lucy was hungry since my milk hadn't fully come in, but I didn't feel there was any other option then nursing her (reason #2 I became resentful of the Landstuhl nurses who never once offered formula). Anyways, after 5+ hours of crying Lucy finally went to sleep. I tried to as well. But less then an hour later I was up again, trying to soothe her. I was starting to feel like a failure to her after only 48 hours. By the time Jon came to the hospital in the morning, I was in tears. He took her from me and told me to sleep. It was that moment that I became grateful that I wasn't going to have to do this alone. It also meant that no matter how much I felt I failed as a parent, there would always be someone to help me out that wasn't failing.

So now we're two years in and I feel like I'm back to that second night. Only this time, I don't have anyone else to back me up when I start to feel that dread of failure. When things are at their worst, I've been trying to ignore the screaming and crying. But as any parent knows, the sound doesn't go away. Its still there, eating away at that last nerve. I'm lucky to have friends who are willing to help me out. But that doesn't mean I don't feel like I'm the one doing something wrong all the times I don't have my friends here.

Its almost like an unspoken emotion among parents. No one wants to admit that they need help when they feel like pulling their hair out. Believe me, I've seen lots of moms go through deployments or just being single parents and rarely has anyone talked about the frustrations of dealing with issues on their own. I certainly didn't want to admit it and still have a tough time doing it. But there comes a time when you need to step back, take a break and accept the generous offerings of your friends and family. There is no fault in admitting you can't do it alone.

I'm hoping tomorrow brings an easier day. I'll get a break for a few hours in the morning and I'm using that time to do something for me.

Day 97

**this is a picture of Lucy sleeping with her Daddy Doll**

Well, we're at the point of what should be the halfway mark for number of scheduled days for the deployment. As with every deployment, the number of days are never exact, just an estimate. But as each day passes I find myself grateful that I am one day closer to having Jon back at home.

I've had a few...how should I put this?...tough moments. I spent a few days on edge at the thought that I'll be lucky if he's home before Christmas. It affected everything, including Lucy. I was sick to my stomach, Lucy was cranky and I felt like crying every time I thought about him. After chatting about it with Jon and friends, I realized that I was being ridiculous. I have to remain positive about him coming home every moment. If I don't, I'm causing too much stress on myself and Lucy. It got pretty bad for a while, but it helped having people to talk to and who helped encourage me to remain optimistic. There have been many things in my life the last few years that I didn't think I could make it through and I always did. My husband was sweet enough to point out that I always think I can't do things, when in fact I can and do. Some days I don't know where I'd be without his unfailing encouragement.

Lucy has been handling the deployment well so far. She has her breakdowns and cries for Daddy. In fact, for 3 or 4 nights this week she was hysterical about bath time. She kicked and screamed until I finally got her to tell me last night why she didn't want to take one. Turns out she wanted Daddy to give her bath. While it broke my heart a little to have her tell me that she didn't want me, it brought tears to my eyes that she remembers that bath time was always Lucy and Daddy time. I assured her that when he got home he would give her lots of baths and would read her all her favorite books. It must have helped because tonight she didn't fuss about her bath.

She also started paying more attention to her "Daddy Doll". Its a gift from Jon that he had made before he left. Its a picture of Jon in his uniform in the form of a stuffed doll. Now before nap and bed time, we have to make sure we give Daddy a kiss and hug. The doll must always remain on Lucy's bed however. If we try putting it on the chair or it falls on the floor, its the end of the world. A little note for Daddy: we play kissy monster with it all the time. Daddy gets Mommy, Kelly, Lucy and bullie every night. It makes her giggle more then anything when Daddy gets Kelly :)

So I guess the deployment has affected each of us in a different way. I decided to stop looking at things as halfway there or count the days until he comes home. I just count each day as one day closer to see Jon and one day closer to my family reuniting (hopefully with one newcomer waiting until we are all here!).

Day 88

Today was one of those awesome days. It started with a late Dr appointment where I met yet another new Dr and found out that baby is doing wonderful. A little on the large side, but doing great. Luckily for me, the only person who knows the sex is the sonogram technician so I don't have to worry about someone slipping up and telling at another appointment. They are checking my platelets and iron levels for a few different reasons, but I'm confident that all is well.

Then Lucy and I had a lunch date. I'm doing my best to enjoy this alone time with her. At the beginning of the deployment it was so frustrating that she depended on me for everything, but then I started to realize that I'll never have this time with her again. My sister reminded me of that on one of those days when I was at my lowest and now I make sure to enjoy all these moments with her regardless of how frustrating or happy they may be. We will only be at this place in our lives once.

After naps for both of us (this baby is draining the energy out of me!) we went on a nice walk with Kelly. The weather was so beautiful and I knew we all needed to enjoy at least one more walk in the woods before I couldn't do it anymore (the stroller doesn't work well on hikes-haha). It was so quiet today, all I heard were the birds and the soft rustle of leaves. It was so calming and refreshing. I walked slowly and took it all in wishing Jon was here to enjoy the walk with us.

Before the day was through, we had a friend visit at the last minute to mow the lawn. One more thing I am so grateful for this summer. Its amazing how much people will help you out in times of need. Sometimes its not even a person you know well, but knows you are in a tough spot. Any time someone comes over to mow the ski slope that we call a backyard, I am thankful. I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be and yet the same people keep coming back to help. Today our friend got it done in 30 minutes-I'm pretty sure that's a record for this yard!

All in all in was great day. If I've learned anything in the last three months, its that you need to remember to be appreciative of the little things in life. There is nothing like a good friend to lean on in your time of need. I am so grateful for each and every one of them.