The light at the end of the tunnel just got pushed further away.
So we found out Jon is definitely headed to his final duty station- 25 days before his 6 month tour was supposed to end. Now we have no idea when he'll be home. I spent the last 12 hours upset about it and hating deployments/all things military. But as the night wore on I came to the realization this is the life we chose.
I think the part that I'm so angry about isn't that he won't be here for the birth or that he won't get to take Lucy to her first day of school. I'm angry because I saw an end in sight. Raising a 2 year old on your own every day is exhausting. Top that with a pregnancy and its doubly tiring. I kept telling myself "only a few more weeks" when things got tough the last few days. Now I have no idea when he'll be here to help out. I don't even know if he'll be back in time for Christmas.
I want to feel bad for the person who he's replacing. She's a mom too and has been away from her little one for a year. But I don't. Its selfish, but I don't care that she's missed birthdays and holidays. I don't want my husband to miss 3 birthdays, our 5 yr anniversary, the birth of our child, Thanksgiving and Christmas. We didn't expect the deployment to last this long which is why I'm having a tough time with it.
I'm fortunate enough to have one of my parents come out here to help out in a few weeks. Ideally its not the situation I want. If they come out here now, they won't be able to come visit in the Spring when everything is beautiful and I'll be able to actually go places. I'm still grateful that I have someone coming because I honestly don't know if I could handle all of this on my own right now. I have a great network of friends, but having someone here in the house is going to make a huge difference in my day to day life.
So for the next few days I'm going to do my best to be positive. There's a huge mix of emotions going on inside me right now, the largest of which is anger. I'm sure that will change to a new emotion in the next day or so, but for now I feel the need to scream, cry and punch a pillow.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Day 148
This week we started the I'm-a-big-girl-and-can-make-my-own-decisions stage. I've been encouraging her to make choices lately when it comes to lots of things, but I wasn't prepared for her to start choosing her own clothes.
My first real experience with it was last Tuesday when I picked out her outfit for the day. As soon as I brought it upstairs to her, she said "No Mommy! Pink shirt pwease" which sent me back downstairs to get her a pink shirt. Then as we are getting ready to walk out the door to do a few errands she demands to wear rain boots...on a sunny day...when the temperature outside at 9am was already hot. I begged her to wear tennis shoes since we were headed out to playdate after errands. Nope, she was set on wearing those darn rain boots. Instead of arguing with her, I decided to pack another pair of shoes because inevitably she would want to take the rain boots off to play at some point.
This girl is stubborn.
Not only did she not take off her rain boots ALL DAY, she wanted to wear them to bed at nap time. I had to draw the line somewhere right? It was 10 minutes of crying before I got those boots off her. As I walked out of her room, I thought to myself "Its just one of those things, she likes her rain boots." I was kidding myself.
Since Tuesday, we've had to pick out her clothing together. I only give her 2 choices and let her decide which one she likes best. This has included a tutu, hair bows on her shirt, and socks that don't match, but hey, she's only 2. The only time I let her truly decide her own clothing is at bed time when she can choose which pajamas she wants to wear.
Tonight she wanted to wear her new pink Tutu to bed. She also wanted to wear a necklace and some hair bows in her hair. I let her wear the tutu, but convinced her that a necklace and hair bow would be uncomfortable. She was so excited to wear the tutu she completely forgot about the rest. This is how happy she was:
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Its funny how at 2 years old, children start to really develop their personality. Lucy has always been very girly, but even more so the older she gets. She literally "flits" when she runs and doesn't like things to get dirty. She hates when her shirt gets food on it or when her hands are covered in dirt. She also has a slight OCD personality when it comes to things like her bedroom. Everything has its place and if one things moves, for instance her Daddy pillow, a complete meltdown ensues until everything is back where it belongs. I can't even begin to imagine how she's going to be as she grows older...my little angel is growing up to fast.
My first real experience with it was last Tuesday when I picked out her outfit for the day. As soon as I brought it upstairs to her, she said "No Mommy! Pink shirt pwease" which sent me back downstairs to get her a pink shirt. Then as we are getting ready to walk out the door to do a few errands she demands to wear rain boots...on a sunny day...when the temperature outside at 9am was already hot. I begged her to wear tennis shoes since we were headed out to playdate after errands. Nope, she was set on wearing those darn rain boots. Instead of arguing with her, I decided to pack another pair of shoes because inevitably she would want to take the rain boots off to play at some point.
This girl is stubborn.
Not only did she not take off her rain boots ALL DAY, she wanted to wear them to bed at nap time. I had to draw the line somewhere right? It was 10 minutes of crying before I got those boots off her. As I walked out of her room, I thought to myself "Its just one of those things, she likes her rain boots." I was kidding myself.
Since Tuesday, we've had to pick out her clothing together. I only give her 2 choices and let her decide which one she likes best. This has included a tutu, hair bows on her shirt, and socks that don't match, but hey, she's only 2. The only time I let her truly decide her own clothing is at bed time when she can choose which pajamas she wants to wear.
Tonight she wanted to wear her new pink Tutu to bed. She also wanted to wear a necklace and some hair bows in her hair. I let her wear the tutu, but convinced her that a necklace and hair bow would be uncomfortable. She was so excited to wear the tutu she completely forgot about the rest. This is how happy she was:
+crop.jpg)
Its funny how at 2 years old, children start to really develop their personality. Lucy has always been very girly, but even more so the older she gets. She literally "flits" when she runs and doesn't like things to get dirty. She hates when her shirt gets food on it or when her hands are covered in dirt. She also has a slight OCD personality when it comes to things like her bedroom. Everything has its place and if one things moves, for instance her Daddy pillow, a complete meltdown ensues until everything is back where it belongs. I can't even begin to imagine how she's going to be as she grows older...my little angel is growing up to fast.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Day 142
Last night I watched a documentary called "The Business of Being Born". I watched it for 2 reasons: 1-Morbid fascination of what is to come in a few months and 2-I've been re-evaluating my birth plan and wanted to explore the option of a natural birth. This documentary doesn't show a lot of actual births, but there are a few. Mainly it discusses home births and statistics as to why its better then a hospital birth. There was enough information to make me wonder what happened exactly when I had Lucy.
The reason I'm exploring a new birth plan is because with Lucy, I had a difficult time delivering. I never felt a thing until that last moment before she took her first breath. My epidural was so strong that I never felt the urge to push despite the fact they turned it off 2 hours before I started pushing and I pushed for over 2 more hours. So that's a total of 4 hours I never really felt anything from the waist down. It took forever for the medication to wear off and I didn't leave Labor and Delivery until almost 5 hours later (because it took that long for me to be able to walk or stand).
It wasn't necessarily that I had a bad experience. It was just that I didn't really enjoy the whole not feeling my legs for hours after birth and how difficult pushing was for me. My Midwife, the nurse and Jon made the experience exactly how I wanted it-no one yelling (well, except me) and peaceful overall.
"The Business of Being Born" did open my eyes to a few things I was unaware of. For instance, the maternity death rate in America is #2 among developed countries. NUMBER 2!! This is attributed to the high rate of C-sections and lack of delivery without intervention. When I say "intervention" I'm talking about drugs.
I also did not know that 90% of women who receive an epidural also receive Pitocin. Its a never ending cycle: starting an epidural means contractions and/or progress slow therefore creating the necessity of Pitocin to increase the contractions and progress. This means more pain for the mom, so they increase the epidural and so on and so on. In the end, this creates a much higher need for a C-Section because the natural birth process is delayed due to the drug intervention. This creates the higher level of C-sections in hospitals.
The documentary goes on to talk about how birthing has changed over the last hundred years from home births to hospital births that included being so drugged you couldn't control yourself to drug intervention to the increased rate in C-sections. They even talked about how something as simple as the position a woman gives birth in changed. It was terrifying at times. To think that a process that is so natural and normal has become so clinical and less about what the mother needs.
I'm not saying that choosing drugs or needing a cesarean make anyone a bad parent. I know that I'm always the first person to trust and believe a Doctor when they tell me what will be best. But I didn't know anything about pain relief besides an epidural and I knew nothing about the best birthing positions. I had no idea that being on my back was the worst way to deliver. I just assumed after seeing birthing videos and what they show on television that being on your back was the easy way to get a baby out.
So this time around I'm making different choices. I'm reading more about my options and asking my husband (who I hope will be in attendance) to do the same. If I choose to go the natural birth route, I will definitely need his unconditional support. I'm also not naive enough to think everything is going to go according to plan. I also don't know if I'm going to make it through a natural birth without giving in and getting some sort of pain relief.
One of the things I'm learning through this research is that hospitals rarely allow for the techniques suggested (ie. water birth, constant walking, acupuncture, birthing ball) for a natural, drug free birth. I know for a fact that the hospital I plan to deliver at does not allow water births. This does not mean that I want to have the baby at home. The idea of a home birth still scares me. But I do know that I'll be able to labor longer at home in a place where I feel relaxed and comfortable versus sitting in a hospital bed hooked up to 5 different monitors.
My overall review of the documentary was that it was worth watching. I learned the things I want to happen during labor and after birth. A lot of what I'm looking for I don't know is possible in the hospital I have to deliver. I plan to talk to my Midwife Monday morning about a few things just so I have my expectations in order. She delivered Lucy and I'm hoping she'll be able to deliver this little one. She was so encouraging and despite a Dr coming in to tell her it was taking to long to get the baby, she pushed me on. No intervention (besides the drugs) necessary.
I'm sure I'll post my birth story at some point. But for now, I'm going to continue to do research and discover the best options for me.
The reason I'm exploring a new birth plan is because with Lucy, I had a difficult time delivering. I never felt a thing until that last moment before she took her first breath. My epidural was so strong that I never felt the urge to push despite the fact they turned it off 2 hours before I started pushing and I pushed for over 2 more hours. So that's a total of 4 hours I never really felt anything from the waist down. It took forever for the medication to wear off and I didn't leave Labor and Delivery until almost 5 hours later (because it took that long for me to be able to walk or stand).
It wasn't necessarily that I had a bad experience. It was just that I didn't really enjoy the whole not feeling my legs for hours after birth and how difficult pushing was for me. My Midwife, the nurse and Jon made the experience exactly how I wanted it-no one yelling (well, except me) and peaceful overall.
"The Business of Being Born" did open my eyes to a few things I was unaware of. For instance, the maternity death rate in America is #2 among developed countries. NUMBER 2!! This is attributed to the high rate of C-sections and lack of delivery without intervention. When I say "intervention" I'm talking about drugs.
I also did not know that 90% of women who receive an epidural also receive Pitocin. Its a never ending cycle: starting an epidural means contractions and/or progress slow therefore creating the necessity of Pitocin to increase the contractions and progress. This means more pain for the mom, so they increase the epidural and so on and so on. In the end, this creates a much higher need for a C-Section because the natural birth process is delayed due to the drug intervention. This creates the higher level of C-sections in hospitals.
The documentary goes on to talk about how birthing has changed over the last hundred years from home births to hospital births that included being so drugged you couldn't control yourself to drug intervention to the increased rate in C-sections. They even talked about how something as simple as the position a woman gives birth in changed. It was terrifying at times. To think that a process that is so natural and normal has become so clinical and less about what the mother needs.
I'm not saying that choosing drugs or needing a cesarean make anyone a bad parent. I know that I'm always the first person to trust and believe a Doctor when they tell me what will be best. But I didn't know anything about pain relief besides an epidural and I knew nothing about the best birthing positions. I had no idea that being on my back was the worst way to deliver. I just assumed after seeing birthing videos and what they show on television that being on your back was the easy way to get a baby out.
So this time around I'm making different choices. I'm reading more about my options and asking my husband (who I hope will be in attendance) to do the same. If I choose to go the natural birth route, I will definitely need his unconditional support. I'm also not naive enough to think everything is going to go according to plan. I also don't know if I'm going to make it through a natural birth without giving in and getting some sort of pain relief.
One of the things I'm learning through this research is that hospitals rarely allow for the techniques suggested (ie. water birth, constant walking, acupuncture, birthing ball) for a natural, drug free birth. I know for a fact that the hospital I plan to deliver at does not allow water births. This does not mean that I want to have the baby at home. The idea of a home birth still scares me. But I do know that I'll be able to labor longer at home in a place where I feel relaxed and comfortable versus sitting in a hospital bed hooked up to 5 different monitors.
My overall review of the documentary was that it was worth watching. I learned the things I want to happen during labor and after birth. A lot of what I'm looking for I don't know is possible in the hospital I have to deliver. I plan to talk to my Midwife Monday morning about a few things just so I have my expectations in order. She delivered Lucy and I'm hoping she'll be able to deliver this little one. She was so encouraging and despite a Dr coming in to tell her it was taking to long to get the baby, she pushed me on. No intervention (besides the drugs) necessary.
I'm sure I'll post my birth story at some point. But for now, I'm going to continue to do research and discover the best options for me.
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