Day 119

Sometimes one of hardest things about being pregnant is what you see when you look in the mirror. It doesn't matter if this person tells you how good you look or how that person tells you how you wouldn't look pregnant if it wasn't for that giant basketball you have for tummy. Its all in how you perceive what you look like.

Today I got out of the shower and caught a brief glimpse of myself. It shocked me. The leg muscles I used to be proud of were no longer there. The strong arms that got me compliments turning into masses of flab. And worst of all, the abdominal muscles that I worked on for 2 years were officially gone. Granted, I wasn't a bikini model by any means, but I was finally starting to feel good about how I looked before I became pregnant.

Over the last few months, I've been obsessing over the weight I gain. Every time I step on the scale I think about how much weight I'm going to have to lose after this baby comes. It drives my family crazy. I'm constantly talking about how nervous I am that I won't lose the weight. Has it stopped me from picking up a bag of Honey Mustard and Onion pretzels? No. And that seems to be my problem.

When I'm alone I indulge. I eat the things I probably should avoid, but its as if I have no willpower when there's no one around to see me. The not-so-great-for-you snack food wouldn't be an issue if I was exercising. But at the beginning of my pregnancy I would get so sick when my heart rate increased that I couldn't do anything at all. I went from 1 hour of cardio and yoga three times a week plus walking the dog every day with a toddler on my back to nada. Nothing. Zilch.

When the morning sickness finally went away, I had a hard time getting back into the flow. I found excuses all the time to not walk the dog. I found a reason not to go to the gym on base. After a few months when I finally decided it was time to get off my ass, I found out I couldn't exercise the way I wanted. Unfortunately for me, my body started saying "if you want to have an uncomplicated pregnancy, you need to stop all this stressful activity NOW".

I found that I am able to walk, even the tough incline walks in my neighborhood that require every ounce of energy I have some days. But its not enough. I feel better about myself on the days when I do walk, but I hate that I can't do the things I was able to do when I was pregnant with Lucy. I can't walk for an hour and not feel like my legs are going to fall off anymore. And it sucks. It really, really, REALLY sucks.

So it was inevitable that my body would start showing the effects of my eating and lack of exercise. Am I at an unhealthy weight? No. My midwife told me she's not concerned about my weight at all, that I'm healthy and I still can gain 13lbs before she'll be concerned. But it didn't make me feel better. The only thing that would make me feel a little better is having my husband tell me I'm beautiful despite my growing assets. And sadly, he's not here to do that.

I'm sure there are women out there who have high self esteem and could care less what they look like while they are pregnant. They don't see the dimpled thighs or chunky hips. Those are the same women who embrace being pregnant. I was that woman the first time. But with this pregnancy, I can't seem to find the beauty in the ways my body is changing. I can't enjoy the pregnancy the way I did with Lucy.

The more I think about it, the more I believe its because I don't have anyone to share it with. Sure I have friends who want to feel the baby moving and Lucy loves to kiss the baby and play games. But what I really want is to have Daddy here to see his face light up when the baby kicks. I want someone to be excited with me every time I hear that heartbeat pounding away. It really stinks to do this alone. I know my husband was happy that he got to miss all the hormone induced mood swings, but I wonder sometimes if he forgot about how all that other stuff outweighs my random bouts of crying and frustration.

So for now, I've moved the full length mirror to a safer location where I'm less likely to throw something at it. The next step is finding the joy and beauty in whats happening to me. This is the last time I'll be pregnant so I need to learn to savor every minute. But trust me...its going to take a little more time for that.

Day 114

First of all-I can't believe its been almost 4 months since Jon left. There are times when it feels like he's been gone for much longer then that. But overall, I think now that we've settled into a routine, things are getting better.

Only one little quick story to share this post. Lucy has become increasingly interested in the baby lately. She lifts up my shirt (or tries to pull it down) at random times and says "Hi baby!". But the funniest part about this is that Lucy seems to think that somehow my belly button is the best way to talk to, play with and see the baby. The other morning she put her eye up to my belly button and said "Hi baby. WAKE UP!" which make me laugh for a while. I still laugh when I think about it.

She also decided that tickling my belly button is how she is supposed to play with the baby. Everyday I've had to endure "tickle, tickle, tickle baby!" for the last week. While its a little uncomfortable to have her stick her finger in my belly, its sweet how she already wants to play with her new little sibling. Hopefully she'll feel the same way once he/she is here!

Day 104

Being a stay at home mom overseas is tough during the summer (insert laughter from anyone who's talked to me the last 2 summers here in Germany). In order to stay cool on those hot summer days, I have no choice to but to head to the local German pool, Azur.

People, this is not your ordinary pool at least by American standards of an outdoor pool. There is a total of 4 outdoor pools, 2 water slides (one inside, one outside), diving boards, a playground outside, three indoor pools, a hot tub AND a sauna. They even have a solarium where you can absorb the warmth of the sun on those to-cold-to-lay-outside days (including the winter!). The best part is they have amazing baby and toddler pools. And when I say amazing, I mean waterfalls, slides, and a covered outdoor pool. Its like having my own little water park 15 minutes away for far cheaper then anything in the states. Only one of the outdoor pools is heated, but that is a normal occurrence in Europe. The sun does all the work. They even serve alcohol at the pool!!!! Can you imagine the uproar that would cause at a public stateside pool snack bar? So needless to say, you know where to find me almost any hot day during the summer.

The best part is that I have a great group of girlfriends who join me every time I go. We stake out a little corner by the kids pool and make it our own little home. The kids run around, we bring lunch for picnics, and just hang out enjoying the sun and water. One husband has even called us "pool bums" we've been there so much in the last week.


Do I feel guilty that I'm at the pool when I should be doing other things like clean the house? Heck no! But I do feel bad that I can't bring Kelly. Poor girl has to suffer in the heat of the house by herself. She loved the Mediterranean Sea when we lived in Turkey. Jon and I would take her out there after dinner and let her play in the surf. She never went far because English Bulldogs can't technically swim (their weight drags them down) but she loved cooling off in the water. But other then Kelly, I don't really feel guilty. I'm enjoying this time with my little girl and our friends.

This last week has been H-O-T by German standards. Its been over 80 every day without a cloud in the sky and there is currently no sign of it breaking. For most people 80 degree days don't sound so bad, but those people likely have air conditioning. Since its not normally this hot for this long here, air conditioning is a luxury. I have yet to hear of central AC in any of the houses, but some people have portable or window air conditioners. So when the heat starts and doesn't break (even at night) everyone gets out of the house, including myself and my girlfriends.

Lucy loves the pool. There is not better place to her then being in the water. She learned how to swim last summer with her water wings and couldn't wait to try it again outside this summer. In the last 2 days she's become quite the little dare devil. She's swimming further out and trying to jump in the pool. She's even started dunking her head a bit, but she's not quite ready for that. I'm always amazed at how much she swims and for how long. I love seeing her smiling face and hearing her giggles as she splashes around. Plus, it wears her out so she sleeps for hours during nap time.

Today I realized how much I wish Jon was here to see Lucy swimming. Its hard to videotape when you are the one she's swimming with so it makes it difficult to share with him. I know he would be teasing me every morning this last week about how rough my life is spending the day at the pool. It was a regular conversation last August when we had our last heat wave of summer. But really, who doesn't want to be a kid again, heading to the pool every day during the summer break?