The last few weeks have been really hard. We're closing in on 250 days (we're at 248 today) and each day gets more difficult. I honestly thought that once we knew he would be home in less time then he had been away, things would get easier. They haven't.
Each day I wake up realizing that he's not coming home today. Each time I have a conversation with Lucy I realize he's not going to ever hear the story she's telling. Each time I hold Emma in my arms and smell her sweet baby goodness I realize he doesn't even know how she feels against his chest much less how she smells. Each time I go to bed I realize he won't be there when I wake up.
Maybe its the hormones from the pregnancy or maybe I've just reached the point where I'm through with dealing with the deployment. But I'm over it. I done.
D-O-N-E...done
Now that I've come to understand he likely won't be home until March, I've started freaking out. I am going to have to raise a newborn and a two and half year old all by myself. I'll have to come up with new routines to incorporate bathtime, meals (for both girls), naps, Skype time with Daddy and time for myself. And no matter how much I try, I can't make it work.
I'm lucky enough to have my Dad here for another two weeks. He's been a tremendous help all day every day. But when he leaves, not only will I be alone-I'll be alone during what used to be my favorite time of year.
I really don't want to celebrate Christmas this year. Being surrounded by your loved ones in what the holiday is all about. While I'll have my two girls to hug and adore, I won't have the one person who I want there the most.
So I decided that instead of crying my eyes out, I need to find the things I'm thankful for to remind me just what my life is all about.
Its not easy to see them right now. But I know in time I will see them and the light will once again become bright.
